FORGIVENESS by Davina Sims

When majority of us hear the word forgiveness, our eyes become downcast because it's the one area where most of us often feel like failures. Admittingly, there's a lot of strength characteristically involved in the act that most of us don't always possess or choose to willingly act upon. Frequently, we take the easy road when it comes to this matter because, humanistically, we're self absorbed and would rather do what makes us feel better, even if the results or satisfaction weighed is temporary. Being no different from anyone else who would rather shy away from the topic, I wonder if forgiving will ever become an effortless deed.

It seems that in childhood, forgiving someone for an offense was easier. Now we combat with the notion that if we forgive too quickly, that we've somehow let the offending party off too easy, when in fact, we've allowed our lives to be free of an unnecessary burdening. I can recall personally being scold by my parents and older siblings and experiencing hurt and embarrassment that cut like a knife, but before the day was gone, it was as if nothing had ever happened. As I now remember, I would revisit the hurtful experience only if it occurred again. But then, once again, I would forgive. So what changes from adolescence to adulthood? Do our many encounters with having to forgive create a negative coping mechanism? Does high expectation accompanied with disappointment decrease our ability to forgive? These are the questions that often loom the subconscious in an effort to discover what many find difficulty dealing with.   

I gave an example on how I was able to forgive without difficulty when I was younger, but as I began to age, things began to alter. For those, by whom hands I'd experience pain from more frequently, I became resentful towards. I didn't hate them, I was just aware of certain behavioral patterns that created a distance in our relationship, as was the case with many of us. But the hardest time that I'd ever had with forgiving someone, was when I had to forgive myself.

Years ago, my mother fell ill and when there was nothing more that the doctors could do, they sent her home to spend her final days with those closest to her. Siblings flew in from out of state and the house swarmed with many visitors to bid farewell or to pray against it. On one particular day, I found myself performing task that I didn't even think that I was capable of rendering and by the time the sun set, I was exhausted. Before I went to lay across the room on the sofa positioned adjacent to my mothers hospital bed, she whispered softly, "Come lie next to me." I really can't decipher if it was the exhaustion talking or if I really thought that the hospital bed wasn't big enough for the both of us, but I told her that I didn't want to hurt her. So I kissed her goodnight and went to sleep. A few hours later, I woke to check on her, only to find out that she had passed on and the only thing that I could think about at that moment, was being her last disappointment. I carried a spirit of suicide with me all the way to college. It wasn't until after a few years had gone by that I was able to speak about it and that initial talk was with God. I expressed my anger, my hurt, my frustration, with everyone including myself. I was constantly plagued with the thoughts, 'why me?' NO LONGER. I cried and prayed the most honest and sincerest prayer and I immediately experienced the power of forgiveness. It was as if someone had lifted a heavy weight from off my chest and it didn't come by or through any other form, other than the One that created and mandated that I forgive. By the One, who said that He wouldn't forgive if I didn't.

So if you find that you're having difficulty with forgiving someone or maybe even forgiving yourself, seek God. That is how I found my road to forgiveness and I'm sure if you desire it, He'll help you too. Seek...Pray...Forgive.




Davina S.